The Latest, and Definitely Most Awkward, Snapshot of the Grimaldis


Few celebrity couples, let alone heads of state and their spouses, have failed more miserably at their attempts to convince the world media they’re genuinely in love through their public displays of affection than TSH Prince Albert ll and Princess Charlene of Monaco. As this photo taken last July clearly demonstrates, both he and his wife are still not entirely sure where each other’s mouths are after four years of matrimony and the births of their, supposedly naturally conceived, twin son and daughter.

A cursory glance at the various snapshots taken of “Al and Char,” as most of their friends and family are reputed to prefer calling them, attempting a stage managed peck on each other’s lips before various groupings of assembled press photographers reveals the same scenario playing out over and over again: Monaco’s current ruler stops and decides that now is the opportune moment to publicly smooch his princess consort; he gives Charlene a knowing glance as if to cue her in on what’s about to happen; he closes his eyes, puckers his lips and extends them forward, perhaps imagining he’s performing fellatio or giving a rim job to a masculine partner, both acts it’s long been rumored HSH prefers to any form of oral intimacy with his spouse; Princess Charlene initially recoils in disgust, perhaps suspecting where Albert’s mouth has previously been, and initially leans back before realizing this is the price she must pay for the life of excessive privilege she signed up for at the altar 4 years ago; resigns herself to the inevitable, braces herself, and allows her husband’s lips to dryly and passionlessly touch hers. Needless to write, there’s absolutely no tongue action. She sometimes closes her eyes while the grueling ritual occurs, perhaps pretending her prince is Byron Kelleher, or any of the other gentlemen she’s rumored to have kept loving company with since plighting her troth with the current head of the House of Grimaldi. In an instant the act is over, and both partners smilingly push away from each other, relieved that the unpleasant business is done. It’s amazing that after four years of what they constantly insist in interviews is wedded bliss, they’re as convincing now in public as a loving couple as they were when they first announced their betrothal, i.e. not at all.

This particular snapshot was taken at the palace celebration last July marking the ten year anniversary of Prince Albert ll initially plopping his ever increasingly wide load ass on his diminutive country’s throne. While initially declaring he would breath new life into his principality’s government by stamping out corruption and making its internal operations more transparent, which was a not so subtle jab at his father for his notorious failure to do so, most observers both inside and outside of Monaco at the time of his accession regarded this as little more than a joke, and Albert ll’s subsequent actions since then, or rather the lack thereof, have only proven how right his naysayers were to call his bluff. For HSH, according to oft repeated rumor, has demonstrated little genuine interest in any aspect of his governmental role over the last decade, and has taken far more of a leadership role in the stewardship of his favorite environmental causes. In essence, he’s a constitutional monarch who just happens to preside over Europe’s last remaining absolute monarchy. His disinterest in his government is also rumored to be tantamount to his lack of enthusiasm for his marriage.

While the readers of People and Paris Match magazines have been subjected to a barrage of obviously palace orchestrated and edited interviews given by Albert and Charlene since July, in which they’ve both constantly complimented each other as parents and spouses and have insisted there’s nothing to the rumors of marital discord, these rumors have persisted nonetheless. While various sources inside Monaco agree that their decision to relocate to an estate just outside the principality while the family quarters of the palace undergoes renovation was a good idea, if only because it affords them more privacy and gives Her Serene Highness some much needed distance between herself and her less than beloved realm, this relocation has also brought to the fore just how empty and passionless their marriage is, and what little in the way of a genuine personal life Charlene actually has. The author will delve more deeply into the rumored state of Princess Charlene’s emotional health in his next post. Needless to write, the seemingly permanent sour expression she’s been sporting in photos lately is whispered to result from far more than a natural reticence toward smiling for the camera.

Alas, Their Serene Highnesses, while having fulfilled their regal duty by producing to adorable, despite their gigantic foreheads, heirs to the throne, will probably never convince the world or the majority of their subjects they’re truly in love no matter how hard they try. The cameras don’t lie, and these two just aren’t good enough actors to convince the world public of a romance that most believe doesn’t exist. C’est la Vie!!!!!!!