The U.S.A.’s Royally F****d Up First Family, Part 1: The Trump Dynasty’s Founding Pimp

20170115-113250.jpg

In less than a few days time the richest, least qualified man in the history of the United States to assume the office of its presidency will be formally inaugurated. Donald Trump, despite his “business empire” having lost nearly $1 billion almost 20 years ago, and therefore he’s been exonerated from paying federal income tax ever since thanks to a U.S. government tax code loophole that provides a form of corporate welfare for entrepreneurs far more incompetent than they are rich, nonetheless ran a presidential campaign partially based on his ability to restore jobs to our so called ailing economy. He also ran one of the most blatantly racist and xenophobic political campaigns in our nation’s recent history: promising to fortify our border with Mexico by building a wall to keep “bad hombres” out, as well as creating an exclusively Muslim immigration registry to limit and monitor Islamic immigrants, etc. Since “winning” the election, which in numerical terms he actually lost by more than 2 million votes, but thanks to an archaic check and balance on the U.S. electorate known as the Electoral College, a body of state by state presidential electors whose votes are based on their respective states’ populations, President-Elect Trump is the latest chief executive to sail into the White House without a popular mandate. This Friday he’ll be formally joining the ranks of John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush, who also achieved the U.S. of A.’s highest office under similarly oligarchic circumstances.

Far from “draining the swamp” of Washington D.C. insiders as he claimed he’d do once “elected”, Trump’s presidential cabinet consists of various political and corporate elites whose collective net worths make them the richest such cabinet ever assembled in our nation’s history. He’s also named his 30 something son-in-law, Jared Kushner, among his chief White House advisors. As Foreign Policy magazine recently pointed out, this is the type of political appointment that wouldn’t be out of place in an African, developing world dictatorship. And since the author’s on the subject of the African diaspora, and this past Monday was Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Trump’s nominee for Attorney General, Alabama senator Jeff Sessions, was considered so unapologetically racist back in the ’80s that his own Republican colleagues blocked his appointment for a federal judgeship. He’s on record as having refused to label the Ku Klux Klan a hate group! It should be noted, however, that Donald might have deep seated personal reasons for gravitating toward a prospective Department of Justice head with a sympathetic attitude toward the Klan. Of this, more later.

In addition to Trump’s cabinet appointment shit show, there’s Donald’s constant Twitter rants; his ongoing business ties to the Russian government; the possibility that the Putin regime helped him win the election; his refusal to release his business interests to a blind trust; his anti-gay, conversion therapy endorsing Vice President; his rumored quasi-incestuous attachment to his de facto First Lady eldest daughter; his barely English speaking, plastic surgery mangled, Slovenian former nude model of a wife, etc, ad infinitum!!!!!!! While staring down the double gaged barrel of the possibly Russian manufactured shotgun that will undoubtedly be the next four years of Donald Trump’s tenure in the Oval Office, one might ask oneself from what foul, gold vein streaked, primordial ooze did this vile, overgrown ummpaloompa spring?

Well, look no further than Royal Foibles, for it’s no secret Donald isn’t self made, but rather the spoiled, enabled third generation scion of German immigrant real estate developers. In the run up to our nation’s 45th presidential inaugural, this blog’s intrepid author shall embark upon a four part series decimating the background story of the Trump dynasty and their meteoric rise to the heights of American wealth and power. If ever Balzac’s maxim concerning all great fortune’s beginning with a crime applies to any family, it applies to the Trumps, or Drumphs, as was their original name before they changed it sometime during the late 17th century. In fact, it’s more than poetically ironic that a secretly recorded, years old tape of Donald bragging about grabbing women by their genitalia resurfaced during his campaign, given it’s the sale of pu$$y in the whorehouses constructed by his grandfather that provided the foundation for the Trump family riches. In a metaphorical sense, when Trump grabs at a woman’s reproductive orifice, he’s grasping at the original font from which his dynasty’s prosperity sprang.

This sordid, multi-generational American success story begins in 1885. As David Cay Johnston writes in The Making of Donald Trump, it was that year that Friederich Trump, a 16 year old residing in the winemaking town of Kallstadt, Bavaria, dodged the newly forged German Empire’s compulsory military draft by high tailing it to New York where his older sister and her husband already resided. Perhaps not wanting to confront his mother’s possible objections to his plans, he simply left her a note and took off. Once settled in NYC, and as enterprising as he was unscrupulous, Friedrich next migrated west where lonely, horny, mostly heterosexual gold prospectors abounded whose idea of a perfect night out consisted of partaking of a hearty meal at the local tavern, then going to the curtained off area in the back and partaking of one of the “sporting ladies” willing to bring their patrons’ evening to a satisfying climax for a fee. Friederich Trump was more than happy to provide both for his prospective clients, and duly moved to Seattle where he established The Dairy Restaurant,, which in short order became among the best little tavern/low rent whorehouses south of the Klondike.

Achieving his first taste of wealth, and ravenously hungry for more, Friedrich next pulled up stakes and moved 30 miles north, where John D. Rockefeller was setting up a mining operation. With the punanni on sale in the back of his previous establishment having apparently brought in more money than the food and liquor, Trump scratched the tavern idea and erected a full time flop house directly across the street from the town train station. Its sole purpose was to provide cheap, short stay rooms within which the local sex workers could ply their trade. Establishing a family tradition that would be exploited to far more dazzling affect by succeeding generations, Friederich, who by now was going by Fred, built his bargain priced bordello on land he didn’t own.

Riches flowed into his coffers yet again, and when the mining venture closed, Fred Trump was among the few settlers who left the operation better off than when he arrived. By 1892 he decided it was time to become an American citizen. Not only did he lie about his age on his citizenship papers, claiming he was 2 years younger than he really was when he arrived on Ellis Island, but one of the two citizens who vouched for his “good character” at the courthouse was a fellow “female boarding” proprietor. He next headed up to the Canadian Yukon where he once again set up a restaurant, this time called The Arctic, that featured in its back the late 19th century equivalent of what us strip club patrons, straight and gay, now call “the champagne room.” The Canadians, however, were far more strict concerning the enforcement of their anti-prostitution laws along their frontier than their southern neighbors had been, and after having been tipped off that he was about to get raided by the Royal Mounties, Fred Trump grabbed his money and got the hell out.

Now 32 years old and worth roughly a half million dollars, in today’s currency, Fred next decided it was time to return to his motherland and find a frau. He duly found one in a blond, 20 year old, buxom maiden named Elizabeth Christ. Fred’s mom, unfortunately, didn’t approve of his choice. Perhaps not knowing that her newly enriched son was a former pimp, Frau Trump disapproved of Elizabeth because she felt the girl’s family came from a lower caste than the Trumps. Having as much regard for his mother’s feelings this time around as he’d entertained when he first decided to dodge the draft and escape to America, Fred married Elizabeth anyway. He then whisked her away to New York.

Finding work as both a barber and hotel manager, Fred was able to provide a comfortable life for Elizabeth and their first child, a daughter named Elizabeth born in 1904. The older Elizabeth, however, found the squaller of the Big Apple more than she could bear, and they soon returned to Bavaria. Authorities there, unfortunately, were now beginning to investigate the circumstances under which Fred initially left the country. Fred, however, presumed he could just bribe a few officials and the case would be dropped. He couldn’t have been more wrong. The Kaiser’s government soon determined Trump was a military deserter and deported him, his wife and child being obliged to follow him. Let’s now pause for one second on the eve of his grandson’s inauguration as our 45th president, and absorb the irony of this moment in the Trump family history. Had Donald’s grandfather’s ass not been kicked out of his native country for avoiding military service, succeeding generations of Trumps probably wouldn’t have wrought the financial and political havoc on our shores that they have. Oh, the irony!!!!

Anyway, the Trumps returned to NYC, this time settling in the Woodhaven section of Queens. Reestablishing himself as a barber and hotel manager, Fred also began buying up lots of land and mortgages along Jamaica avenue. It was these real estate investments that provided the genesis of what became in the family’s next generation the Trump business empire. Fred and Liz had two more children, Fred Jr. and John, before he breathed his last unexpectedly after falling suddenly ill in 1918. Historians now believe he was an early casualty of the 1918 flu pandemic. Of his three children, it was his older son and namesake, who was 13 at the time of his death, that inherited Fred industriousness and real estate acumen. Beginning his business career as a teenager building car garages, by the time Fred Jr. was 16 he started a construction business with his mother, Elizabeth Trump and Son, and the next chapter of the Trump dynasty’s saga commenced. Of course, none of this would’ve been possible without the original investment capital provided by Fred Sr.’s pimping enterprise along the western frontier.

While one of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign platforms was to prevent criminals from entering the U.S., it’s beyond poetically ironic that his grandfather was not only a criminal immigrant who’d broken the law in two countries, but it was because of his deportation from his native Germany that he was forced to settle here with his young family in the first place. All of Trump’s supporters have this late 19th century immigrant pimp, the white version of what his grandson would characterize a “bad hombre”, to thank for making it historically possible for Donald Trump, his family, and cronies to enter the White House. These Trump supporting minions owe Fred Trump and the various hookers employed in his frontier establishments a debt of gratitude!